July 20th, 2008

Fingers interlocked behind his neck, I gazed into his eyes that ached and pleaded for me not to go. I noticed the watery shine in them and it brought a sharp pain to my chest, forcing me to close my eyes for a brief moment, to shut the misery out. The desire to just crumble into his arms flooded over me when he forced a smile and held me by my hips, his grasps hesitant and complemented with a hint of fear.I struggled to reclaim my strong masquerade, searching to find the strength that brought me there, the strength that gave me a reason to walk away. Pulling away from his tender embrace, his face broke into a whirl of confusion and pain. Hastily, his arms wrapped across my back and around my waist; and in a swift motion, he pulled me strong, and hard against himself. Pressed against his chest, I could feel his pounding heart that broke which each second that passed between us.

His firm grasp melted the facade I struggled to hold on to. I buried my face into his shoulder, my breath, hastening, against the hollow of his collar bone. Pounding my fists against his chest, I pleaded for him to let go, to not make goodbye more pained than it already was. His breath ran across my forehead, down my nose bridge, across my cheek and finally lingered on my right ear. The warmth of the fast and quick air that escaped from him tingled my cold earlobe. Brushing his lips lightly against my skin, he whispered, his voice unsure and trembling. He whispered two words; it was his compromise - five minutes.

His grip loosened, causing me to stumble backwards with the loss of balance. A slight smile spread across his lips as he took my hand and placed it in midair, on level with his shoulder bone. The motion of his fingers sliding through mine sent a flush of colour through my cheeks. My vision blurred as I reached out to place my left hand on his shoulder, prompting him to place his hand on the small of my back. Instead of moving to music, our feet moved to the deafening silence that engulfed us both. Left, forward, right, back...

Not long after, he had me tripping over and falling forward, untwining my fingers that were between his. Laughter invaded the silence as I fell into his arms, his expression tender and adoring. His gaze dove deep into my eyes, allowing the silence to express the words unsaid. The laughter died down into silence, once again, as he searched my eyes for a response, one that I could not allow myself to give.

Turning away, avoiding the questions of doubt that his eyes brought upon me, I took a step back from him. My arms were now by my side - a river of distance ran between us. I hesitated before looking back at his intense eyes that glistened under the light, shattering me from the inside. He held my chin gently with the tips of his fingers as he leaned forward, pressing his dry lips gently against mine.

He didn't move any further, still retaining the foot of space between us. Desire crushed my crumbling facade.

I took a step forward and wrapped myself around him. Pressing his lips firmly onto mine, he kissed me. His kiss was deep and blazing with passion, he held me close, our bodies meshing against each other. With each fervent motion, he drew the anguish out of me, as if taking it for his own. I wanted to stay in his arms this way forever, but time was flying pass, we both knew so.

Hesitantly, I pulled myself out of his arms and stepped back, watched his eyes crave for my grasp, for any display of affection. He was already forgetting my love for him. Empty and still longing for my touch, he forced a nod and took another step back, feigning comprehension. The distance seem as though it was already growing wider with each moment.

Time was up and it was time for me to leave - I had to go. Reluctantly, I turned to leave, turning my back away from him, turning my back against everything that we had shared together.

I put one foot in front of the other, my heart falling with each moment that he allowed himself to just watch me walk away...

As if hearing my silent pleas, he reached for my arm and spun me back around, pulling me into his arms. Holding me firm within his arms; listening to his aching, thumping chest, I let my tears run down my cheeks, letting them seep through the fabric of his shirt. He rested his chin on my shoulder, holding me tighter than ever. It still burned inside me - a wish to not leave. I wrapped my arms thightly around his back, tugging onto his shirt.

His breathing was tense, and withstrained.

I tried loosening my grip but he pulled me tighter into him.

Minutes passed...

I felt pained when realisation finally seeped in - only so much time could be stolen; still, we'd soon have to leave. That was goodbye, as agonizing as ever, but it was still the last time - farewell, it's time for me to let go.

May 13th, 2008

My arms are outstretched behind me, still shaking, as they have been for the entire day. The wind blows against my skin and makes me shiver. This is when I look over my shoulder at you, as you sit there, gazing out into the sea. Your eyes shift, anxiously, trying to concentrate and focus your thoughts. But as I increase the intensity of my stare at you, you turn back with such hesitance and raise your eyebrows at me. I see nervousness in your eyes.

I shake my head slightly and turn to look out into the sea, just as you were doing. You return to the same stature. The strong, cold wind blows my hair back and causes a shiver to run down my spine. I'm cold, but yet, still waiting for you to notice. Glancing at you every now and then, I wonder if you can feel my heart racing, or sense it, in the least. I wonder if you've even sense the way I've felt the entire day, just as I have felt your heart racing each time our hands brushed each other's.

You shift your right foot and prop it up onto your left knee, letting your weight sink down a little, hunching and sighing as you continue to gaze, blankly, out into the sea. While I shift around in my spot, trying as hard as ever to catch your attention, I can't help but spot the fear in your eyes - your fear that each passing moment could be your last. Brushing my hair back, I silent wish you knew that I felt that same fear in me, no matter how hard I tried to ignore. I don't want to lose you.

The winds force me to pull my knees to my chest as I attempt to dismiss the dropping temperatures. But with each cold gust of wind, I pull my knees closer to myself and comment on the cold, watching confusion spread across your face your once blank gaze now focusing on the mess of quandaries that run through your mind.

You reach into your bag and pull out a black shirt as I, gratefully, place it over my shoulders. I, unmistakably, feel my heart sink as you turn away and gaze back into the sky. Hugging my knees tighter, I try to console the disappointed screams that ring in my head. Don't you have a clue now?

I inch closer to your side and rest my head onto your shoulder, my vision blurring as I do so. My heart pounds as a warning and my breathing starts to hasten. I convince the uncertainty that echoes in my mind that I only need warmth to get me through this cold breeze. Hearing you gasp, I know that I'm not alone. But pretending, and hoping that you can't hear my deep breaths, I stare as the waves crash onto the rocks, falling back down so fast.

Time passes slowly but finally, I feel you move - your arm, lifting slowly across my back, brushing against the fabric on my skin. I gasp, and hold my breath. My left shoulder drops a little from the sudden weight of your hand. I lean into you and feel your racing heartbeat pounding against my cheek - a little sign of assurance, but such a huge step to take. Only now do I ask, silently to myself, why does that tear run down your face?