October 10th, 2008

It's probably the radiation that's causing my eyes to hurt a little, this slight throbbing at the back of them. I do wonder if they are swollen and red now. Or maybe the cause could be fatigue and just simple exhaustion from being out of the house the entire day. Whatever it is, it must be the same reason that disables me to feel the keys on the board as I punch in each alphabet onto the screen - the line of words growing longer with each movement of my numbed fingers.

My head's been spinning and the past few days have been a bored. Each day, passing by slowly and unimportant, barely crawling by. Most hours spent at the lighted screen, as I am doing so now; it's glow slightly hyponotising and comforting, and the rest are mostly spent sitting around and thinking - coming up with ways to make up to this depressing emptiness and insecurity.

Eyelids drooping and shoulders hunched, aching and tired, I know I should be asleep, getting some damned rest but watching the seconds pass excites me, each second bringing me closer to you, to hearing your voice again, to having the worry taken away.

I spent a few hundred seconds of my time looking through words and describtions of time spent with you days and months ago, just bringing myself to reliving it again, hoping to feel you beside me - only this time it feels more real as a memory, an experience, actual occurence.

Many call it an obsession, an addiction and possibly and act of pathetic dependence and over-reliance. I wouldn't know what it really is but I only know how I would personally define it. I decided though that instead of puching more keys with my numb fingertips, I'll just leave the empty blanks that leave the decision of definition to you - your own perception of emotions, your opportunity to judge me any way you like.

My eyes are closing on me as I jab at the last few alphabets - goodnight.

July 19th, 2008

A smile spreads across your face, the smile that warms my heart and makes my knees weak, the same smile that I fell in love with months ago, as the lift doors crank open and you see me. I try to force a smile back, but I figure it isn't working when your face falls as you notice the red puffiness in my eyes.

Running your fingers through, my hair, you nudge my chin slightly - a tiny gesture of concern. Your eyes tell me you're guessing for a reason and that you're trying to search for an answer, a confirmation within me as you stare into me, your gaze piercing and deep. I turn away to avoid your pained eyes, placing my palm on your chest and applying just enough pressure to hint that it is not the time for questions.

Your stare less intense, you nod vaguely, a hint of a smile at the corner of you lips. You do not have to say it, but your eyes tell me not to worry, that you'll always be here. Count on me, they console me. I can't look at you straight in the eye, and my head starts to spin. I turn away and shake my head, hoping you wouldn't see my expression which is not easy to hide. You just wouldn't understand, baby, I'm so sorry.

Yet, when I sum up enough courage to look back at you, the consoling smile, the smile that warms my heart and makes my knees weak, the same smile that I fell in love with months ago, still lingers at the corner of your lips as you speak, "So, shall we go now?" I nod, as you slip your fingers between mine, noticing that you're trying so hard to ignore the bothering thoughts and question that nag at you.

The steps we take are soft, soundless, but yet they feel so heavy and so weighed down. We're walking at a moderately slow speed. I turn to glance back at you but when you catch my eyes, I see the emotions reflected in them, the deafening pain screaming from within. Still, your smile still by the same corner of your lips, the smile that warms my heart and makes my knees weak, the same smile that I fell in love with months ago. You brush my cheek with the back of your hand, turn away and continue walking on.

My head spins and each step I take feels like a torture, a second closer to tomorrow, a day in which you know just nothing about. I spin around and gaze into your eyes, pleading for your embrace, your comforting embrace. Your smile, the smile that warms my heart and makes my knees weak, the same smile that I fell in love with months ago, begins to fade as your lips start to quiver. In fear, in pain? I don't know, and I'm not wishing to know.

In a quick sudden motion, you wrap your firm arms around my back and pull me into a tight embrace, your breath radiating against the top of my head. I feel your tensed muscles in your upper arms loosen around my shoulder blades. I look up at you and you smile, the smile that warms my heart and makes my knees weak, the same smile that I fell in love with months ago, "You don't want to talk about it?" I shake my head.

You nod, but worry still dances in the light of your eyes. I pretend I don't see them - I don't want to. I bury my head into your chest as you hold me tighter. Your embrace is warm and it seems to dry up the aching pain that burns within me; your love so sweet that it seems to neutralise all the bitterness within my aching heart.

Moving closer, pressing your cheek against mine, your warm breath beating against my earlobe, you whisper three words. Three simple, magical words that follows with your smile, the smile that warms my heart and makes my knees weak, the same smile that I fell in love with months ago. A warm tear runs down my cold, pale white cheek and makes my skin tingle.

As I raise my chin and look into your eyes, with you smiling back - the smile that warms my heart and makes my knees weak, the same smile that I fell in love with months ago, I realise - you're the one I want to spend loving for the rest of my life. For all the number of lifetimes possible, I want to stay in your arms this way, forever.

July 20th, 2008

Fingers interlocked behind his neck, I gazed into his eyes that ached and pleaded for me not to go. I noticed the watery shine in them and it brought a sharp pain to my chest, forcing me to close my eyes for a brief moment, to shut the misery out. The desire to just crumble into his arms flooded over me when he forced a smile and held me by my hips, his grasps hesitant and complemented with a hint of fear.I struggled to reclaim my strong masquerade, searching to find the strength that brought me there, the strength that gave me a reason to walk away. Pulling away from his tender embrace, his face broke into a whirl of confusion and pain. Hastily, his arms wrapped across my back and around my waist; and in a swift motion, he pulled me strong, and hard against himself. Pressed against his chest, I could feel his pounding heart that broke which each second that passed between us.

His firm grasp melted the facade I struggled to hold on to. I buried my face into his shoulder, my breath, hastening, against the hollow of his collar bone. Pounding my fists against his chest, I pleaded for him to let go, to not make goodbye more pained than it already was. His breath ran across my forehead, down my nose bridge, across my cheek and finally lingered on my right ear. The warmth of the fast and quick air that escaped from him tingled my cold earlobe. Brushing his lips lightly against my skin, he whispered, his voice unsure and trembling. He whispered two words; it was his compromise - five minutes.

His grip loosened, causing me to stumble backwards with the loss of balance. A slight smile spread across his lips as he took my hand and placed it in midair, on level with his shoulder bone. The motion of his fingers sliding through mine sent a flush of colour through my cheeks. My vision blurred as I reached out to place my left hand on his shoulder, prompting him to place his hand on the small of my back. Instead of moving to music, our feet moved to the deafening silence that engulfed us both. Left, forward, right, back...

Not long after, he had me tripping over and falling forward, untwining my fingers that were between his. Laughter invaded the silence as I fell into his arms, his expression tender and adoring. His gaze dove deep into my eyes, allowing the silence to express the words unsaid. The laughter died down into silence, once again, as he searched my eyes for a response, one that I could not allow myself to give.

Turning away, avoiding the questions of doubt that his eyes brought upon me, I took a step back from him. My arms were now by my side - a river of distance ran between us. I hesitated before looking back at his intense eyes that glistened under the light, shattering me from the inside. He held my chin gently with the tips of his fingers as he leaned forward, pressing his dry lips gently against mine.

He didn't move any further, still retaining the foot of space between us. Desire crushed my crumbling facade.

I took a step forward and wrapped myself around him. Pressing his lips firmly onto mine, he kissed me. His kiss was deep and blazing with passion, he held me close, our bodies meshing against each other. With each fervent motion, he drew the anguish out of me, as if taking it for his own. I wanted to stay in his arms this way forever, but time was flying pass, we both knew so.

Hesitantly, I pulled myself out of his arms and stepped back, watched his eyes crave for my grasp, for any display of affection. He was already forgetting my love for him. Empty and still longing for my touch, he forced a nod and took another step back, feigning comprehension. The distance seem as though it was already growing wider with each moment.

Time was up and it was time for me to leave - I had to go. Reluctantly, I turned to leave, turning my back away from him, turning my back against everything that we had shared together.

I put one foot in front of the other, my heart falling with each moment that he allowed himself to just watch me walk away...

As if hearing my silent pleas, he reached for my arm and spun me back around, pulling me into his arms. Holding me firm within his arms; listening to his aching, thumping chest, I let my tears run down my cheeks, letting them seep through the fabric of his shirt. He rested his chin on my shoulder, holding me tighter than ever. It still burned inside me - a wish to not leave. I wrapped my arms thightly around his back, tugging onto his shirt.

His breathing was tense, and withstrained.

I tried loosening my grip but he pulled me tighter into him.

Minutes passed...

I felt pained when realisation finally seeped in - only so much time could be stolen; still, we'd soon have to leave. That was goodbye, as agonizing as ever, but it was still the last time - farewell, it's time for me to let go.

May 13th, 2008

My arms are outstretched behind me, still shaking, as they have been for the entire day. The wind blows against my skin and makes me shiver. This is when I look over my shoulder at you, as you sit there, gazing out into the sea. Your eyes shift, anxiously, trying to concentrate and focus your thoughts. But as I increase the intensity of my stare at you, you turn back with such hesitance and raise your eyebrows at me. I see nervousness in your eyes.

I shake my head slightly and turn to look out into the sea, just as you were doing. You return to the same stature. The strong, cold wind blows my hair back and causes a shiver to run down my spine. I'm cold, but yet, still waiting for you to notice. Glancing at you every now and then, I wonder if you can feel my heart racing, or sense it, in the least. I wonder if you've even sense the way I've felt the entire day, just as I have felt your heart racing each time our hands brushed each other's.

You shift your right foot and prop it up onto your left knee, letting your weight sink down a little, hunching and sighing as you continue to gaze, blankly, out into the sea. While I shift around in my spot, trying as hard as ever to catch your attention, I can't help but spot the fear in your eyes - your fear that each passing moment could be your last. Brushing my hair back, I silent wish you knew that I felt that same fear in me, no matter how hard I tried to ignore. I don't want to lose you.

The winds force me to pull my knees to my chest as I attempt to dismiss the dropping temperatures. But with each cold gust of wind, I pull my knees closer to myself and comment on the cold, watching confusion spread across your face your once blank gaze now focusing on the mess of quandaries that run through your mind.

You reach into your bag and pull out a black shirt as I, gratefully, place it over my shoulders. I, unmistakably, feel my heart sink as you turn away and gaze back into the sky. Hugging my knees tighter, I try to console the disappointed screams that ring in my head. Don't you have a clue now?

I inch closer to your side and rest my head onto your shoulder, my vision blurring as I do so. My heart pounds as a warning and my breathing starts to hasten. I convince the uncertainty that echoes in my mind that I only need warmth to get me through this cold breeze. Hearing you gasp, I know that I'm not alone. But pretending, and hoping that you can't hear my deep breaths, I stare as the waves crash onto the rocks, falling back down so fast.

Time passes slowly but finally, I feel you move - your arm, lifting slowly across my back, brushing against the fabric on my skin. I gasp, and hold my breath. My left shoulder drops a little from the sudden weight of your hand. I lean into you and feel your racing heartbeat pounding against my cheek - a little sign of assurance, but such a huge step to take. Only now do I ask, silently to myself, why does that tear run down your face?

February 6th, 2008 (welcome back, baby)

I won't turn around. I can't
Because her voice screams in my head
And she disallows it
It's a sign of weakness...

What are you doing?
Just walk away, why are you the way you are?
Turn and walk, and fucking go on
Your weakness disgusts me.

It's cold
But the sun is blinding me.
Just listen to her
She's the strong one.

You are so dependent, so hopeless
No one wants you, no one will
Except for yourself
So, don't be stupid now, baby.

Just take care of me
Don't let anyone hurt me
I've had enough, please
Do me this little favour.

Darling, you don't know what I'm capable of,
Do you?
A lot, missy
Come here, take my hand.

Yes, absolutely
I've needed you for so long
Why have you taken so long?
Welcome back,
Jess.

February 4th, 2008 (dream)

A slight shade of pink quickly spreads over the white of your eyes as liquidified confessions of guilt slip onto the skin of your cheeks. The fast flow of fluid takes a turn across your cheekbones and begins to trace down your strong jawline. Your eyes are more puffy than I have ever recalled them looking, but of course, it has been quite some time since we have met. I resist the urge to throw my arms around you.

As your narrow shoulders move together with the rhythm of your heaving chest, the sides of your mouth trembles as words of guilt starts to spill out of them. You ask a question, choking on your tears with every word you attempt to mutter.

Staring hopelessly as you thrust your cupped hands onto your face, my vision begins to blur too. The puddles of tears jab at the back of my eyes, forcing themselves down my face. I reach out and place one hand across your chest and another on your back, tracing my fingers down the small of your back, allowing this familiarity of emotions to overwhelme my state of mind. I resist the urge to whisper into your ears and tell you that you have been forgiven.

I hear you gasp as I pull your body closer into mine, feeling your hesistance, as you wrap one arm around my waist. Your eyes still reflecting confusion when I gaze into them. Reaching out with one hand, I entwine my fingers with your's, playing with the tips of your fingers as the tears from your eyes dry.

I let the tears that have, by now, welled up in my eyes fall freely down my cheeks as I look up at you and attempt smile. I feel a slight strain in my calves as I get onto the tip of my toes and close in onto you. I sense the confusion, but I ignore it and surrender, allowing this moment to swallow me, whole. I resist the urge to steal you away from the light of day and remind you how long it has been since I have started loving you.

December 3rd, 2005

My cold, clammy hands are trembling violently as I try to hold on to my instrument that feels so close to slipping out of my hands. I feel the supportive glances of the cornet player from the first role, and a slight kick in my leg from my junior beside me as the bars to my solo decreases. Ten, nine. Oh no, I can't do this. Eight, seven, six. It's not the time to back out now! Five, four. Stand up, now. Three, two. Standing isn't easy when your knees are buckled. One.

He turns at looks at me, eyebrow raised, baton signalling my entrance. My lips tremble as I struggle to make a sound. Anything, please. I see his look of encouragement turn, instantly, into a frown, as his grip on his baton, turning his knuckles white, tightens while he turns away, not wanting to even look at me. I spend the next 9 bars holding back my tears before plopping back into my seat, wondering why I failed to hear an applause.

*

I don't know what to say, and the tears are getting hard to hold back. Sobs echoe around the room as I stand in silence, staring back at all these teary-eyed faces. I contemplate telling them how much they mean and have to me, but that would risk the tears falling, the room doesn't need another addition. I decide on repeatition, the usual, "I would like to thank Mr Yea, all the teachers-in-charge, and all my juniors for everything you all have given me." Not now.

"As you all know, this coming SYF will be Mr Yea's last, so, I hope everyone will work hard." I hear him whisper my name, "Min Jun, not now." I'm confused, shouldn't they know? Don't they already? "Erm, yes," I continued, "So, eupho section, please work hard because I will always miss you and everyone else. And Mr Yea, so so much..." I let my sentence trail off as I hurriedly wipe the uncontrollable flow of tears that stream down my face. They feel so warm against my skin, branding me of weakness.

I struggle to speak, but nothing comes out of my gaping mouth as my tears fall to the floor. I pace slightly, looking down as my tears splatter onto my toes. My vision blurs and inhaling is getting difficult with each breath. I cover my face with my hands, trying to calm myself down.

I feel an arms wrap around my back. And just as I turn to register the face which towers over me, he pulls me into his chest. He tousles my hair as I look up to see him smile back at me. Can't you remember how I let you down? My shoulders slack and I bury my head into my cupped hands once more, wiping my tears off my face. He arm tightens around me as he chuckles, putting a smile onto my face. All seems forgiven.

Losening his grip on me, he laughs before saying, "I've been giving her such a hard time, recently, drilling her over and over again, scolding her. For her solo this afternoon, it may not have been her best, but she has made me so proud. I don't know about you guys, but I've definitely noticed how hard she has been working and how fast she has been improving. She's one of my favourite students and..." he squeezes my shoulder. "I'm prouder than words can describe."

I can't believe all I'm hearing, but I grin. A tear slips down my cheek, but this time, my chin is up high, smiling as I feel the warmth stream down my face.

December 5th, 2006 (just as remembered)

With your hand on mine, we sat side by side, my head on your shoulder, watching the evening sky turn to pink. Time stood so still, so silent, I could hear every breath you inhaled, I could hear the soothing pulse of your heartbeat against the inconsistent one of mine. I could sit here, by you, forever now.

The still air only sucked the little life out of silence. The silence that amplified your breath quickening when you played with my fingers, lightly brushing the tips of my fingertips against your's. I vaguely heard your pulse turn just as inconsistent when you pulled me into you, your body so lightly pressed against mine. Time, would you just freeze?

And finally when you spoke, I could feel your breath against my cheek, feel your chest heave as you recited each sentence like a script. I could only feel, though. The silence seemed to linger, strangely, muffling every word as you spoke. Straining to hear what you had to say only tired me so. So, I leaned into you and closed my eyes, letting myself feel your warmth, feel your breath against my skin, registering this new feeling of what seemed like completeness. This is all I need, you are all I need.

I opened my eyes to the tingling sensation around my jawline, as you gently ran your fingers across. The same fingers that, then, reached out to brush through my hair, sending a tingle down my spine. And as I closed my eyes, you cupped your hands around my jaw, gently tilting my head towards you. Do you hear my heart racing?

My pulse paused for that brief moment in time when I felt your lips press against mine, your warm breath against my cheek. I opened my eyes and looked into your's, returning my gaze with an unfamiliar look. I pressed into you just before you pulled away. I sat and stared at you, feeling so helplessly lost. What was it?

Instead of words of reassurance, you got to your feet and turned away, muttering in a voice so low, I had to strain my ears to hear you. My palms began to sweat, my fingers turned number and I could feel myself turn cold when I heard you say, without a hint of guilt, 'I feel like we're being watch'. I guess I'm not worth being seen with.

December 8th, 2006 (twisted)

He pulled me into a tight embrace, into his arms where everything felt right, the only place where I seemed to belong. The world around me spun in circles, everything felt so perfect, in a strange unfamiliar way. The sunlight shone so brightly, it seemed to blind. The fragrance of freshly-cut grass seemed so strong, I was suffocating. Anyhow, even though I felt like I could collaspe, I was in his arms, and I was safe.

He twirled my hair around his fingers, tugging gently at my scalp, still keeping one hand around my waist. I stared at the hypnotizing, repeatitive movements of his fingers. One round, two, three. "You know, I will come back."

I moved my gaze up to his eyes, staring intently back at me. I wasn't sure if he meant it, he was never good with keeping to his words. "Yes, how I dread school starting so soon."

"Oh... I can't wait really. It's going to be new, all over again." He was slowly untwining my hair from around his index finger now, careful not to cause any knots. Four rounds, three, two.

"Not for me though," I paused, wondering if he would ever wish me to be there by him, "it's just going to be the same school, same class. Another year of everything. Of course, without you around."

"I still will be there, you know that." I felt my heart skip a beat. Oh, how he knew just what to say sometimes, to make everything all better, the right play of words. I lifted my chin slowly, enough to be able to look into his eyes that stared blankly ahead. Where was he?

"Well, just promise me," I whispered, burrying my face into his chest, "that you would come back often." I constantly sounded like I was pleading. How pathetic, this feeling of insecurity. Wrapping my arms tighter around his back, I wished I never had to let go.

With my head against his chest, and his body pressed against mine, I could feel his warmth, feel his pulse, hear his breaths. "I will, to see all of my juniors and everyone," he sighed, "and you, of course."

I'm sure I didn't imagine the hesistation. Neither could I not notice the feel of his arms loosen around me.

And as he let go off me and turned to walk off, the sun seemed to dim, it didn't blind me anymore. The smell of grass that once lingered in the air seemed to faze. I could breathe with ease, but nothing felt right. It wasn't meant to be this way, I wasn't meant to feel this way.

I knew we weren't meant to be, from the start, it wasn't too hard to miss. This was the beginning of him drifting away, only the beginning. I couldn't and didn't want to imagine the end.

So, as he strode off slowly, ahead of me, I stood, motionlessly, observing the rhythm of his footsteps, counting each step as the distance between us grew. One, two, three four...