December 3rd, 2005

My cold, clammy hands are trembling violently as I try to hold on to my instrument that feels so close to slipping out of my hands. I feel the supportive glances of the cornet player from the first role, and a slight kick in my leg from my junior beside me as the bars to my solo decreases. Ten, nine. Oh no, I can't do this. Eight, seven, six. It's not the time to back out now! Five, four. Stand up, now. Three, two. Standing isn't easy when your knees are buckled. One.

He turns at looks at me, eyebrow raised, baton signalling my entrance. My lips tremble as I struggle to make a sound. Anything, please. I see his look of encouragement turn, instantly, into a frown, as his grip on his baton, turning his knuckles white, tightens while he turns away, not wanting to even look at me. I spend the next 9 bars holding back my tears before plopping back into my seat, wondering why I failed to hear an applause.

*

I don't know what to say, and the tears are getting hard to hold back. Sobs echoe around the room as I stand in silence, staring back at all these teary-eyed faces. I contemplate telling them how much they mean and have to me, but that would risk the tears falling, the room doesn't need another addition. I decide on repeatition, the usual, "I would like to thank Mr Yea, all the teachers-in-charge, and all my juniors for everything you all have given me." Not now.

"As you all know, this coming SYF will be Mr Yea's last, so, I hope everyone will work hard." I hear him whisper my name, "Min Jun, not now." I'm confused, shouldn't they know? Don't they already? "Erm, yes," I continued, "So, eupho section, please work hard because I will always miss you and everyone else. And Mr Yea, so so much..." I let my sentence trail off as I hurriedly wipe the uncontrollable flow of tears that stream down my face. They feel so warm against my skin, branding me of weakness.

I struggle to speak, but nothing comes out of my gaping mouth as my tears fall to the floor. I pace slightly, looking down as my tears splatter onto my toes. My vision blurs and inhaling is getting difficult with each breath. I cover my face with my hands, trying to calm myself down.

I feel an arms wrap around my back. And just as I turn to register the face which towers over me, he pulls me into his chest. He tousles my hair as I look up to see him smile back at me. Can't you remember how I let you down? My shoulders slack and I bury my head into my cupped hands once more, wiping my tears off my face. He arm tightens around me as he chuckles, putting a smile onto my face. All seems forgiven.

Losening his grip on me, he laughs before saying, "I've been giving her such a hard time, recently, drilling her over and over again, scolding her. For her solo this afternoon, it may not have been her best, but she has made me so proud. I don't know about you guys, but I've definitely noticed how hard she has been working and how fast she has been improving. She's one of my favourite students and..." he squeezes my shoulder. "I'm prouder than words can describe."

I can't believe all I'm hearing, but I grin. A tear slips down my cheek, but this time, my chin is up high, smiling as I feel the warmth stream down my face.

December 5th, 2006 (just as remembered)

With your hand on mine, we sat side by side, my head on your shoulder, watching the evening sky turn to pink. Time stood so still, so silent, I could hear every breath you inhaled, I could hear the soothing pulse of your heartbeat against the inconsistent one of mine. I could sit here, by you, forever now.

The still air only sucked the little life out of silence. The silence that amplified your breath quickening when you played with my fingers, lightly brushing the tips of my fingertips against your's. I vaguely heard your pulse turn just as inconsistent when you pulled me into you, your body so lightly pressed against mine. Time, would you just freeze?

And finally when you spoke, I could feel your breath against my cheek, feel your chest heave as you recited each sentence like a script. I could only feel, though. The silence seemed to linger, strangely, muffling every word as you spoke. Straining to hear what you had to say only tired me so. So, I leaned into you and closed my eyes, letting myself feel your warmth, feel your breath against my skin, registering this new feeling of what seemed like completeness. This is all I need, you are all I need.

I opened my eyes to the tingling sensation around my jawline, as you gently ran your fingers across. The same fingers that, then, reached out to brush through my hair, sending a tingle down my spine. And as I closed my eyes, you cupped your hands around my jaw, gently tilting my head towards you. Do you hear my heart racing?

My pulse paused for that brief moment in time when I felt your lips press against mine, your warm breath against my cheek. I opened my eyes and looked into your's, returning my gaze with an unfamiliar look. I pressed into you just before you pulled away. I sat and stared at you, feeling so helplessly lost. What was it?

Instead of words of reassurance, you got to your feet and turned away, muttering in a voice so low, I had to strain my ears to hear you. My palms began to sweat, my fingers turned number and I could feel myself turn cold when I heard you say, without a hint of guilt, 'I feel like we're being watch'. I guess I'm not worth being seen with.

December 8th, 2006 (twisted)

He pulled me into a tight embrace, into his arms where everything felt right, the only place where I seemed to belong. The world around me spun in circles, everything felt so perfect, in a strange unfamiliar way. The sunlight shone so brightly, it seemed to blind. The fragrance of freshly-cut grass seemed so strong, I was suffocating. Anyhow, even though I felt like I could collaspe, I was in his arms, and I was safe.

He twirled my hair around his fingers, tugging gently at my scalp, still keeping one hand around my waist. I stared at the hypnotizing, repeatitive movements of his fingers. One round, two, three. "You know, I will come back."

I moved my gaze up to his eyes, staring intently back at me. I wasn't sure if he meant it, he was never good with keeping to his words. "Yes, how I dread school starting so soon."

"Oh... I can't wait really. It's going to be new, all over again." He was slowly untwining my hair from around his index finger now, careful not to cause any knots. Four rounds, three, two.

"Not for me though," I paused, wondering if he would ever wish me to be there by him, "it's just going to be the same school, same class. Another year of everything. Of course, without you around."

"I still will be there, you know that." I felt my heart skip a beat. Oh, how he knew just what to say sometimes, to make everything all better, the right play of words. I lifted my chin slowly, enough to be able to look into his eyes that stared blankly ahead. Where was he?

"Well, just promise me," I whispered, burrying my face into his chest, "that you would come back often." I constantly sounded like I was pleading. How pathetic, this feeling of insecurity. Wrapping my arms tighter around his back, I wished I never had to let go.

With my head against his chest, and his body pressed against mine, I could feel his warmth, feel his pulse, hear his breaths. "I will, to see all of my juniors and everyone," he sighed, "and you, of course."

I'm sure I didn't imagine the hesistation. Neither could I not notice the feel of his arms loosen around me.

And as he let go off me and turned to walk off, the sun seemed to dim, it didn't blind me anymore. The smell of grass that once lingered in the air seemed to faze. I could breathe with ease, but nothing felt right. It wasn't meant to be this way, I wasn't meant to feel this way.

I knew we weren't meant to be, from the start, it wasn't too hard to miss. This was the beginning of him drifting away, only the beginning. I couldn't and didn't want to imagine the end.

So, as he strode off slowly, ahead of me, I stood, motionlessly, observing the rhythm of his footsteps, counting each step as the distance between us grew. One, two, three four...