December 3rd, 2005

My cold, clammy hands are trembling violently as I try to hold on to my instrument that feels so close to slipping out of my hands. I feel the supportive glances of the cornet player from the first role, and a slight kick in my leg from my junior beside me as the bars to my solo decreases. Ten, nine. Oh no, I can't do this. Eight, seven, six. It's not the time to back out now! Five, four. Stand up, now. Three, two. Standing isn't easy when your knees are buckled. One.

He turns at looks at me, eyebrow raised, baton signalling my entrance. My lips tremble as I struggle to make a sound. Anything, please. I see his look of encouragement turn, instantly, into a frown, as his grip on his baton, turning his knuckles white, tightens while he turns away, not wanting to even look at me. I spend the next 9 bars holding back my tears before plopping back into my seat, wondering why I failed to hear an applause.

*

I don't know what to say, and the tears are getting hard to hold back. Sobs echoe around the room as I stand in silence, staring back at all these teary-eyed faces. I contemplate telling them how much they mean and have to me, but that would risk the tears falling, the room doesn't need another addition. I decide on repeatition, the usual, "I would like to thank Mr Yea, all the teachers-in-charge, and all my juniors for everything you all have given me." Not now.

"As you all know, this coming SYF will be Mr Yea's last, so, I hope everyone will work hard." I hear him whisper my name, "Min Jun, not now." I'm confused, shouldn't they know? Don't they already? "Erm, yes," I continued, "So, eupho section, please work hard because I will always miss you and everyone else. And Mr Yea, so so much..." I let my sentence trail off as I hurriedly wipe the uncontrollable flow of tears that stream down my face. They feel so warm against my skin, branding me of weakness.

I struggle to speak, but nothing comes out of my gaping mouth as my tears fall to the floor. I pace slightly, looking down as my tears splatter onto my toes. My vision blurs and inhaling is getting difficult with each breath. I cover my face with my hands, trying to calm myself down.

I feel an arms wrap around my back. And just as I turn to register the face which towers over me, he pulls me into his chest. He tousles my hair as I look up to see him smile back at me. Can't you remember how I let you down? My shoulders slack and I bury my head into my cupped hands once more, wiping my tears off my face. He arm tightens around me as he chuckles, putting a smile onto my face. All seems forgiven.

Losening his grip on me, he laughs before saying, "I've been giving her such a hard time, recently, drilling her over and over again, scolding her. For her solo this afternoon, it may not have been her best, but she has made me so proud. I don't know about you guys, but I've definitely noticed how hard she has been working and how fast she has been improving. She's one of my favourite students and..." he squeezes my shoulder. "I'm prouder than words can describe."

I can't believe all I'm hearing, but I grin. A tear slips down my cheek, but this time, my chin is up high, smiling as I feel the warmth stream down my face.